I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
