I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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