my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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