If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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