I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
