Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree