Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.