I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She told me I should be a condom model.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
