I just threw up on my dentist
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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