420 ftw
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
