where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol