I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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