So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
