i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
