after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
