would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
