well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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