I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just pee around me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
