I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
