(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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