im drinking this country out of the recession.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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