sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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