I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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