update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
