he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I fill condoms, not promises.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
