America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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