you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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