I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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