The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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