you would pick up someone in the library
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
