I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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