I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
