I'm gonna have a badass scar
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
