I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
