Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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