Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's blow job season.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
