I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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