and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
