Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
