I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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