Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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