I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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