He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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