DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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