it hurts more in the daytime
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
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Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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