Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
