never play flip cup with pint glasses
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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