So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
