the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
