my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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