and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
