Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
