I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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