Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
