Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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