My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
