Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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