I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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