i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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