There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
