The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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