In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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